I Like Pie
by Lord Kelvin
Summary: Sonic likes pie. Amy decides to bake him one, but it becomes an essential part of Eggman's latest world domination scheme. GUN wants a slice, too. Who will eat Amy's pie in the end? The most complicated pie story this side of Station Square. Features jumping puzzles and a dancing Eggman. Shails, Explouge and Salami make an appearance, too.
1. The One

Author's note: The story has more chapters than originally intended. Few of them are serious, but every one is waiting to be read, and reviewed.

Disclaimer: Sonic the Hedgehog, related characters and locales are copyright SEGA.

_**I LIKE PIE**_

**Chapter 1: The One**

Amy got down on her knees and poked her head forward. The girl sighed; she was never so close to pleasing Sonic.

This was only half the headache.

"I baked you a pie and…" she whispered, looking at rows upon rows of tinned fruit, "I have no idea what flavour it is."

Peach, cherry, apple. Oo! Tomahto? The choices blew her mind away. Her pastry idea sounded more like a spreadsheet than poetry they'd air on TV.

The unhelpful shop worker didn't help either. "We're closing! Come back tomorrow, with a list."

"Just a minute!"

Nonplussed, the last remaining clerk jerked towards her, puffing with every step as Amy had surrounded herself with a number of fruit containers. She thoughtlessly misplaced a third of the aisle's produce. That would cost fifteen minutes of unpaid overtime easy.

"No minute. Take everything and pick at home."

"But Tails said I can take only one. There can be only one, kind store worker!"

"We're closing. Take anything; they're all the same in the end."

The shopkeeper then retreated to the security room to turn off the lights. No way would some pink pygmy hedgehog get him unpaid overtime. He'd smoke her out. But first, he decided to change clothes. Nobody cared about uniforms after working hours, anyway.

Amy could hear him grumble for a while longer. It added to the hair-biting pressure. Once the door opened again, followed by a sound of the cash register, she knew that time ran out. Desperate and guilty, the girl approached the counter holding but a plight in her hands.

"Please, oh kind store worker, you must help me find the right one! There are too many jars in your store…I'm suffocating!" she exclaimed, her head wetting the table's surface.

Secretly, she glimpsed at the worker to check his reaction. There was nothing save for confusion and a uniform worn backwards. Amy looked up at the idle face with a bulbous tear in her left eye and a quivering lip below. This was an emergency.

"Come o-o-on!" she wailed. "I just want to make Sonic feel special! To make him something he'd remember for the rest of his life…and after."

The idle face in front of her lit up with no less than 200 watts of smile. "Special. Sonic. Oh!"

He dived back into the staff only room and returned toting a tall luxury jar with a purple jelly-like substance inside. It was shiny. The glow reflected off Amy's pupils, inflating them via the power of a hundred teenage dreams. Her mouth emitted generous sounds of multi-lingual admiration.

"This must be the one! Can I try it?"

The shopkeeper put it on the counter, letting Amy open the container. As she broke the seal on top, a vaporous bubbly cloud emerged. The surface waved, swirled and steamed while the ethereal glow reflected off every object in the tiny convenience store. Its looks were amazing, so Amy bobbed her nose down for more.

She couldn't pull it too close as the powerful vapour tickled her nostrils mercilessly. Was it blueberry? Grape? Acai? The girl's excitement, mixed with confusion and fatigue after a long day, made it difficult to distinguish. Whatever berries they put there, it was the good stuff.

Amy took her right glove off and slowly, as if teasing herself, lowered it into the playful storm in a jar. Having hooked some of the gelatinous substance in, she immediately put it in her mouth, everything the flavour touched already floating in a daze. As she swallowed, Amy could have sworn there was a shockwave rolling from head to toe. Her quills shot up straight, and the tingle spread all the way to her tail. The sensation was so strong that the hedgehog nearly fell down.

"Whoah!" she exclaimed, holding on to the cash desk for balance. Even though her body swayed like milkweed during a hurricane, it felt great, mind-numbingly exhilarating. In fact, it felt like…

Amy shook her head to regain her senses and quickly brushed the unruly quills into place. It looked like the worker was about to speak, so she interrupted him.

"Shut up and take my money!"

The hedgehog was gone in a blink. She wouldn't wait for the receipt, the change or the glass door. Thankfully, she wasn't in a particular rush, or he'd have needed to close a doorless store.

On a regular day, that would have been the end of the evening shift: lights were fading and a sign at front asked passersby to come tomorrow. That night, however, the passersby were particularly insertive. As they struggled to enter via the narrow doorway, the last remaining store worker had a creeping suspicion that things were not what they seemed.

A stout hooded figure entered the dim space, nearly toppling a tower of liquorice soda. Someone smaller but equally hooded prevented the accident by holding the top bottles in a very agile manner. The bulkier one coughed awkwardly.

The two removed their cloaks to reveal a large bald mustachio man and a hedgehog in unnatural black and red stripe fur. The man poked his companion before inhaling and prepping up for a pose.

"Shadow, all systems, full pingas!"

"Doctor, there is no need for pomp-" the hedgehog protested.

"I said, full pingas!"

"Eggman…"

Shadow put a boom box on the tiled floor and pressed "play." DJ Yolker's latest remix, _EGGMAN, YO _blared out, much to the cashier's idleness. Eggman's theme song made the evil doctor dance as he straddled towards the counter. He flipped like a piece of butter and slid forward like a rabid bumble bee. The doctor felt the funky rhythm, and he was ready to tear the house down, literally. Shadow had to stand on the lookout for any grocery goods knocked down, which was a basketful in progress. Thankfully, the show ended promptly as the doctor reached his destination.

Eggman turned his back on the clerk, tapping the table's edge coyly. "I think you've got something special for my problem with Sonic. Something he'd remember for the rest of his life…and beyond."

The worker, just like before, said nothing. He didn't look confused, just frozen still.

"He doesn't have it," Shadow intervened.

"What?"

Shadow walked around the store, his eyes perfectly content in the dark. Nothing suspicious, save for the pile of fruit tins near a single aisle. He glimpsed at the worker, Eggman and the security door ajar.

"The Chaos energy is withdrawing. Your bot gave it away to someone else."

Eggman punched the counter in protest. "Impossible! I am the client! I said the password and made a down payment…oh those Rogues have swindled me again!" he yelled at Shadow.

"Doctor, were you listening?"

"Yes!" the man barked back, and punched the clerk in the head, causing its legs to fall off. "See? That's what happens when you outsource robot production to an online business."

"All your robots…look like you. The Rogues would have gotten suspicious."

The hedgehog snuck into the security room without breathing another word. Eggman was left to deal with the predicament alone. The villain poked the fizzled machine with his foot, so it would roll out of sight, breaking further on the way. Eggman needed the Chaos essence for his latest plan to come to fruition, but the previous owners refused to do business with him or anyone affiliated. That is why he resorted to outside help, a sketchy humanoid robot production plant with a major discount policy. He ordered three bots in total. One broke during transit, another got punched in the face moments ago, and the villain couldn't remember where he put the last one.

Shadow interrupted the pondering by poking his spiky head out the door. "I accessed their security footage."

He rewound the recording for the doctor.

"Amy Rose…" Eggman murmured. He saw the pink hedgehog's reaction to the substance and her quick exit. "No! She knows!" he exclaimed and proceeded to punch the screen that delivered such awful news.

The doctor's companion was unfazed by the anger management routine. "You should not underestimate her ignorance, doctor. She won't be using it for whatever purpose till tomorrow. Hedgehogs sleep at night."

"We must pursue her! To the Egg Carrier!" exclaimed the man, a finger wound up in the air for drama.

Shadow glanced out the window wall and smirked at what he saw. "Or we could chase the girl on foot. She's in the hotel across the street."

"I can use the Egg Carrier to destroy the street and have my bots search the remains."

The hedgehog face-palmed. "Seriously, doc, she's right there. Ten seconds walk max."

"Very well, then. To the hotel across the street!"

"I'll turn the music off," Shadow said. The boom box was a bad idea.


	2. Fangirls with Pets

**Chapter 2: Fangirls with Pets**

Eggman clenched a bottle of liquorice soda while glaring at the building in front of him. "The Square Arms Hotel of Station Square…you are a worthy nemesis."

"It's a building, doctor. Let's pretend we're her friends and they'll let us in," Shadow bumbled in the background.

"Bah! These elaborate plans of yours are bound to fail. Back in Eggtropolis, we'd just fire the Egg Carrier's laser cannon."

"There is no 'we' in Eggtropolis. You are the only inhabitant and tourists get roboticised in their sleep."

The doctor opened his drink and guzzled it all down angrily. This time, Shadow had to endure his exaggerated glare. Eggman wiped his moustache clean and licked the remains off his thinly squeezed lips. The man bent down to hedgehog level, eyeing the companion.

"Who's the evil genius here?"

Shadow didn't flinch. He's had extensive staring competition practice with Maria. "You are. I'm the one with the Special High Intensity Training in spycraft, so I'll take this part."

Huffing about the black smart aleck, Eggman dropped the empty bottle and waltzed towards the entrance.

Square Arms was a run-of-the-mill franchise one would expect in every small city. Located in a newish building with a glossy green coat just outside the train station, it had all the furnishings and service a three-star establishment should maintain. Seven storeys towered above the old town, letting the more affluent soak in the view while the frugal patrons could feast their eyes upon a set of concrete bricks belonging to the adjacent block of flats, just a turn from the highway.

Once inside, Shadow noticed the reception desk had no staff. Someone left a hand-written note on the table surface: "Back in 15." Eggman wiggled his moustache in discontent, not just because he had lost the staring contest earlier.

"Your plan is unspeakably foolish. We have barely entered the building and there's already a delay!" the man grumbled between wiggles.

His companion let it slide like before. Old people were cranky at night, he believed. Both traits ran in the Robotnik family, indeed.

"The computer is on. Be on the lookout while I check reservation data," Shadow whispered as he snuck behind the work space. A few clicks and a random password hack later, he grinned by a third at the ease of success. "She's in room 409. Let's go."

He motioned for the doctor to follow, but Eggman wouldn't budge. Shadow had to turn around and confront the stubborn villain.

"You must plant a bomb in their monitor to destroy the evidence."

Shadow sighed, attention plummeting to his toes. The old man next to him was supposed to have an IQ of 300. Maybe the last zero was a typo?

"I think that would create evidence."

"Hmph. I lost half the respect I had for Bokkun," the doctor retorted.

Shadow didn't care; the lift was down to take them to Amy's room. As the doors slid aside, the two encountered a suspicious receptionist, who wouldn't let them into the cabin.

"May I help you?" she asked.

Shadow stepped in front of the doctor. "We're here to see Amy Rose. She's in room 409."

"Our staff were instructed not to allow entry to fangirls," the receptionist pointed out, looking at Eggman.

"Fangirls?" Shadow inquired.

"Or pets," she added, now motioning at the hedgehog.

Eggman pushed him behind. "Shadow isn't a pet; he's a highly biological weapon of mass destruction!"

The receptionist folded her arms. "If it soils the carpets, you bet it will be. None shall pass."

They were kicked out of the building with a smile. Neither of the two was happy, though. Eggman sat down on the kerb, wiggling his moustache violently.

"If only I had an Egg Carrier!"

Shadow joined him by the road. "Let's assume everything went according to plan."

"We can't because the street is still there, we're out and she still has the Chaos essence. I keep telling you: we need an Egg Carrier for this."

"No, I meant this plan: we cross the street, we enter the building, we steal the container. Part one is accomplished."

"You mean act one?"

"Yes, and I know how to enter the building," Shadow said, a distant street light devilishly reflecting off his face.

Eggman waved an arm in front of him to interrupt the light. "We had entered before they pushed us out. It's staying inside that's challenging."

"Do you have a credit card, doctor?"

The man's arm lowered, so the light could reflect off both their heads, especially Eggman's. "Ah! That is crafty. We use it to buy the hotel and fire everyone, who considers me a fangirl," the villain schemed, rubbing his palms in short-lived content. Shadow was not impressed, and it didn't take long for the doctor to reach a less expensive approach. "What? It's close to midnight. Evil genius is my day job."

Shadow ran back in as soon as he got the plastic slip, only to encounter a smug, contemptuous welcome: "Can I help you, pet?"

"I am not a pet," he said as he placed the card on the desk. "I am a guest, and he's paying for our stay," Shadow referred to the doctor.

"Will that be one room or two?"

"One…" Eggman replied. He then leaned towards a sour Shadow to whisper: "My credit rating isn't as high as it used to be."

She offered the scientist a magnetic key, but wouldn't let go when Eggman reached for it. "Pets must be on a leash at all times."

Shadow whined in the background. Even Eggman had enough idle non-world-conquering chatter for a month. "He's not a pet."

A stray headlight shone upon the receptionist while ignoring the rest of the room. "So _he_ may have a separate room."

Eggman pulled a string with a collar out of his pocket and wrapped it around Shadow's neck. "No. Let's go, Shadsie. Here, boy."

Were it not for proof of pudding, Shadow would have sunken his ultimate teeth into one of the doctor's more prominent parts. In the meantime, the doctor helpfully called for the lift using the room key. The quicker they disposed of her company, the better. Eggman stepped into the shaft, causing a red diode to flash.

"You are weight-challenged and will take the stairs. Use your key to enter the designated floor," the receptionist explained. Before Shadow could interject, she added: "Pets must be accompanied by their masters at all time."

And so they went for the stairs. It was a tiring trip full of gripe, dynamic woe comparison and reflecting upon one's insecurities. In under ten minutes, the patrons were reduced to a gender-confused fangirl banned from using the lift and a life form dependent on said fangirl for food and shelter. Shadow's Ultimate Life Form factor went flaccid from the sheer notion.

As they were passing the fourth floor, Eggman tugged on Shadow's leash. "I have a plan, which, I swear on Maria's space grave, is both evil and genius."

Rather than irritated, Shadow looked up at him, hopeful. "Are you sure about that, doctor?"

"Indeed. Evil genius is the pinnacle of Eggman."

"No, I mean, is Maria in space?"

Eggman didn't listen; he held the locked floor entrance in his sights. The magnetic room key was prepared for insertion.

"Get a load of this!" Eggman exclaimed as he thrust the card into the slot.

Nothing.

He shoved it again.

Still nothing.

The doctor proceeded to batter and pull the door, sticking the card in every nook and cranny, expecting a different result from the action.

"You're not going to get away with this!" he yelled at the lock.

Shadow patted the man on the back. He's done his best and failed, so it was time to retreat. As the hotel had few vacancies due to a police fair in Station Square, they got a room on the sixth floor. Not as close as Shadow had wanted, but it was the best Eggman could afford.

A swipe of the key card first let them into their accommodation. Tucked away two floors above Amy, the duo was free to scheme to their hearts' content.

"Wuahahaha! We have passed act two! Not ten seconds like you promised, but the timing looks triple-A to me," Eggman cheered till a very important sign on the minibar caught his attention. "Ooo! Compliments of the chef!"

The doctor didn't take long to discover the hotel's more charitable side within a stock of snacks and liquorice soda.

"Are you sure they meant the whole minibar?" Shadow asked.

The doctor was indisposed, too busy acting as a drain pipe for delicious anise-flavoured drinks. Shadow approached the tiny fridge to save one for himself, but Eggman slapped his hand away and hissed hyperactively.

"Aren't you going to share those?"

"The first part of my occupation is _evil_," explained the doctor as he sat down right in front of the minibar, blocking the contents from view. "Find your own. Better yet, find me the Chaos essence!"

Still sour and now sodaless, Shadow picked up the stray compliments card. The hedgehog read it to himself: "Compliments of our star chef: flamingo-shaped ice cubes for your drinks." There was a price list below. Shadow noticed the mineral water in the room was more expensive than any equivalent the inn's service would bring. What was up with that?

Done studying the list, he got back to work. Since an inside job was impossible due to the presence of locked doors and the most militant receptionist in the history of receptionists, he'd take the covert operation outside. Shadow reached for the window, realising he was too short to grab the handle.

Eggman chuckled in the background. "It's no use. Give up! Should have taken the Egg Carrier option," he teased.

Once the window was open, Shadow jumped on the sill outside to study the environment. In the meantime, Eggman closed the window and waved gleefully before returning to his soda feast.

"No, wait, Egg…man."

He was stuck on a narrow edge, six storeys up in a hotel packed with police officers. There was only one thing left to do.

"Command, there were unforeseen complications."


	3. Agent Chickens

**Chapter 3: Agent Chickens**

"You have dialled 1-800-GUN. Press 1 for UFO sightings. Press 2 for sales. Press 3…"

"Zero."

"All operators are busy assisting other minions. Please hold."

Peacefully standing on a windowsill six storeys above the ground, Shadow listened to idle music for three minutes before someone picked up the phone. Whoever it was, the hedgehog hoped to make it quick. Ultimate Life Forms don't do people skills.

"This is agent Dickens. I'm on my way to the cookie jar," he whispered into the wrist communicator.

"Copy that, agent Chickens. My supervisor is looking up the code for 'cookie jar'," the voice replied. Rustling, pages being flipped and coffee spills sounded in the background. "Found it! Okay, print report. Can you hold the line? He has to sign it till you receive further instructions."

"Wait, what?" Shadow nearly fell off, losing mental and physical balance.

"Okay, Chickens, my man, I've found two whole objectives. Got a pen to write this down?"

The hedgehog patted his pockets prior to realising he had none and frowned. He was stuck on a windowsill and some spotty-faced clerk asked him to… Just play along, Shadow. "Yes."

"The word is 'Roger', Chickens."

"It's Dickens."

"Nope. Super' says it's Roger. You must be using the old book."

"I will find you…"

"Got a really bad line here, Chickens. Be sure to write these down. Objective one: get the cookie jar. Objective two: keep Mr Biscuit out of the cookie jar."

Shadow glanced into the room, where Eggman was joyously stuffing himself with pricy hotel goodies. As he peered back at the communicator, the hedgehog couldn't decide which one annoyed him more. "That's why I'm still in this mess!" he exclaimed. "Who's responsible for these daft code names?!"

"Slow down, Chickens. I'll need to transfer you to my colleague in complaints if you want to start something."

"Agent Dickens, you illiterate! Dick-ens."

"Losing you, agent Chickens. End transmission."

"He hung up on me!" Shadow growled, arms up in the air, dangerously off balance. "Whoah!" He folded them and closed his eyes for a moment. "Right. I am the Ultimate Life Form. I am the Ultimate Life Form. ULF, ULF, go!"

The mantra helped, so the spy could carry on with his mission. Amy's room was six windows to the right, two floors below. The jumping puzzle would be a piece of cake, Shadow thought. He popped to the side and immediately clutched the tiny gap between square wall panels before landing on the narrow windowsill. Flawless.

He repeated the jump. With a bit of patience, he'd reach the fourth floor. The next side jump looked tricky, and Shadow wasn't in the mood to pick up new challenges, so he considered descending. The ground looked painfully far from the hedgehog.

Shadow prepped his soap shoes for a smooth landing at the fifth floor, just outside the wall.

"On the count to ultimate. One…ten…ultimate!"

He let go of the edge. Gravity pulled him down to the next level with great force, in detailed slow motion to accentuate the hedgehog's masterful two-metre flight. A click of the shoes powered up the soles, but no more than necessary – every bit of noise could blow his cover.

Shadow pressed back to the window as he touched the narrow sill. Just a few more to go.

"Hm?" he turned to look inside the room. Someone was staring him dead in the eye.

"Harold! Harold! There's a naked porcupine out the window!"

Naked? He had shoes on his non-porcupine feet all the time. The screamer inside wasn't in the mood for arguments, though. Lights turned on in surrounding rooms. He could no longer proceed safely.

"Pepper spray, Harold! Gas the porcupine!"

The hedgehog peered below for an escape route, but it was too late. Harold opened the window outward, effectively pushing the spy off into oblivion. As he fell, Shadow could hear genuine praise for Harold's heroism liberally peppered on the intruder's fur. Lights turned off, the spectators already bored from a lack of screaming, and Shadow braced for impact with Mother Earth's concrete blocks.

He rolled up tight in a split second, having to immediately unravel by the second floor, hoisted back up like a yo-yo. The leash! Its string got caught on the hotel's flag post since the hedgehog forgot to remove it.

Shadow gasped once in relief. The second time he gasped, he did it only for air. By the third gasp, the hedgehog was panicking. He hissed and wheezed to detach the string, unable to find the clip while slowly turning blue.

Four storeys up, a familiar evil scientist peeped out.

"How's it going?" Eggman asked.

The fidgeting turned violent as Shadow tried to get the doctor's attention. He signalled at the flag stalk.

Aww, the poor guy must have gotten stuck. Eggman would come to his rescue by destroying the flag. He looked for something heavy to throw. Ten bottles of liquorice soda would do. Empty, but deadly when powered by Eggman.

Off they went, hitting random parts of Shadow's increasingly blue personality and smashing against the post. Despite the damage, he was still being held hostage. There was no time to call in an Egg Carrier; the doctor looked for something sharp.

Shadow foresaw this as well as the consequences, so he clutched onto the string and started chewing on it. A dislocated jaw appealed to him more than part two of a rescue brewed by a soda-intoxicated evil scientist with an unnatural hatred of everything alive and furry. As the doctor re-emerged in the window with an expression calling for "Ah hah!" Shadow's chompers reached full speed.

The madman held a knife at the ready.

Knowing Eggman's aim, this one would go right to his head like a pint of rootbeer, the extra foamy kind. The knife felt likewise: it cut through the air like a dive bomber, ready to unleash its payload on the stuck little hedgehog.

Had someone taken the shot on camera, the flight would have become a set of trailers for the most breath-taking movie about cutlery. Alas, the only one still plotting the drama between motivated bites to freedom was busy reviewing his short life, most of which was spent in stasis tubes in old warehouses.

Success! Shadow was free to fall again, unleashed and unbruised. The knife let him have a Halley's Comet moment by missing his facial expression to throttle into the besieged flag post.

"Chaos…" he began, but felt an emptiness where a Chaos emerald would normally be. "Bah! Roll!"

Luckily, he landed on his quills. The fall was softened further by the bottles Eggman discarded earlier, so he didn't even notice how the knife appeared on his head.

Shadow now had to return to his room…somehow. The stray pet with kitchenware in its head did not impress the concierge.

"I'll call the ambulance."

"No, no. It's just a butter knife," he replied. The last thing he needed was another council authority snooping around.

"It's. In. Your. Head."

"It's stuck in my quills, see?" Shadow took it out promptly and put it on her desk. "My head is not as big as it looks. I'm mostly fur."

The receptionist frowned. "Where is your leash?"

Shadow pointed at the flag post, where most of it danced in the wind.

"I'll call the firemen."

"No, no. I'll get it."

"You haven't recovered from the knife in your head."

The hedgehog remained silent for a while. "…Knife in _your_ head. I'll consider that."

He left the hotel again, but how was a pygmy hedgehog supposed to grab a string hanging four metres above the ground? By climbing onto the bike stand, then, the restaurant's shade banner, descending to the street as it was still too far and taking a maintenance ladder in the end.

"It all starts with this," he grumbled on the top rung, "I team up with Eggman. Life pours salt on my chips and steals the bag."

Shadow crawled to the end of the stalk to unhook the leash. He pulled it up slowly to make sure the flag post held still, and yanked the string off. As he turned to back up, Shadow's team mate popped out the window again. Eggman could see the poor hedge remained in captivity.

"Shadow! I'll save you now!" he cried.

Eggman picked up a brick, and there was no way he'd miss after the warm up round.

The throw wasn't as graceful or as smooth as last time: the brick tumbled towards Shadow. Eggman's aim, being the impeccable troll, missed the hedge by a dyed hair, again, but still hit the stalk with all its might. Shadow fell to face the pavement again, gripping the flag in panic. If the brick could bounce like the knife, he might as well quit early.

They all landed on the pillowy glass shards left from the previous fall. The brick had the most fun during the trip. Shadow's pains, however, were ready to match his social disorders.

"Gasp! You broke the flag post! I'll call the police!" the receptionist greeted him.

Shadow shivered at the last word. "No, no. I'll fix it."

He used the leash to tie the stalk pieces together since the ladder was still there. A cup of expired relief met him on the way back.

"Where is your leash?"

The hedgehog twitched eyebrow-down.


	4. Hedgehog Espresso

**Chapter 4: Hedgehog Espresso**

Shadow broke into a nearby pet store to steal one of their leashes. Eggman's brick came in handy. The thought that he'd stooped pretty low didn't bother him at all. Right now, the hedgehog only cared about putting a leash around his neck to make the receptionist happy.

On a brighter day, he would have flushed their goldfish and freed the cats after setting feathery critters on fire. No more allergies. That moonless night, however, Shadow dashed back to the hotel immediately.

He was lucky: she remained by the front entrance. The hedgehog pointed at his leash dramatically for the concierge to see.

"Anything else, you…"

She looked at the maintenance ladder Shadow left by the wall. "Unauthorised usage of hotel property! I'll have to call GUN."

Ah, so that was the catch! Okay, he could have expected that. Shadow looked around, smiling an untouchable smile that comes only once a year, still unable to comprehend how difficult a violence-free mission turned out to be. The actual words got to him a second later. Did she say GUN? No civilian would threaten a small black hedgehog this way, considering _this way_ employed him.

He pointed a finger accusingly, and squinted to a hiss. "You. What are you?"

The receptionist grinned. She grabbed onto her ear, causing it to fall off with the rest of her face in a swift tug. Unfortunately, she had another grin underneath. "I'm Rouge, in disguise."

Shadow had a knee-jerk flashback about being suspended in disbelief, but got over it soon. Nothing like a second helping of relief to steady the nerves. "Thank Fakers. I thought I was about to join Maria."

"But I also work here part time, so you need to put the ladder back, pet."

He could feel the relief pass its expiry date. It was a sour feeling. Eggman must have felt that way a lot.

Not intending to argue with success in his reach, Shadow zipped inside to put the ladder back into the maintenance closet. He returned proud, arms folded in victory fashion, ready to take on anything. There was nothing he had missed. Shadow fixed the flag post, got a new leash and even took out the hotel's garbage. Flawless.

Rouge knew better. She grabbed the leash and tied him to the bike stand faster than he could unfold those arms.

"Good, but your master isn't here. You can't stay in."

Shadow growled at her from the ground.

"Bite me and I'll call the pound," she warned, tutting the beast.

Alone, outside and all tied up, Shadow let his eyebrows collide in the middle, forming a sharp V, much like the rest of his face, only upside down. At that rate, the night would end and he'd have Eggman in charge of screwing up. There had to be a way to get back in.

He snapped the leash off and got up to inspect the hotel for weaknesses as soon as Rouge went out of sight. Lurking around the hotel didn't help: all the straightforward entrances were locked to non-guests. Shadow couldn't reach the fire escape. A stroll around the adjacent buildings made him think they had no doors. Breaking in would cause too much noise and he wasn't in the mood to climb.

"Should have taken the Egg Carrier option," Eggman's words rang in his head.

Shadow quickly rejected the stray idea in favour of guns. Actually, he had no one to shoot, but could still hear rapid gunshots. He blasted off to check the source. They were coming from a swarm of cops inside the pet store. An officer was radioing in for reinforcements. Something must have caused the commotion.

The hedgehog felt safe enough to approach them even though he had robbed the store a few minutes ago. Shadow grinned deviously at the sight up close: they've found Eggman's fingerprints on the brick.

Everyone was excited and worried at the same time. After all, the police had a very poor record in keeping the doctor at bay. Having suffered major losses and failing recruitment drives, Station Square put special procedures in place to slow the madman down instead of stopping him. Rather than waste ammo on the next bullet-proof doomsday machine, the officers were to park in its way and head for the hills. Shadow had no idea how it worked with aircrafts.

GUN usually handled the heavy lifting, but they must have refused this once.

A helicopter hauled more sleepy cops from the hotel.

"Like flies to honey."

Hijacking the machine would have been a piece of pie on a normal day. Stealth required more subtle methods. Shadow was a master of subtlety, right? Well, his way fared well compared to that of Knuckles or Eggman...so far. As he pondered, the helicopter had already unloaded its cargo and prepped for take-off. ULF, ULF, go!

Nobody saw a dark streak speed by, not even Harold. As Shadow latched onto the landing gear, he felt victorious, cheeky enough to tap into the police radio frequency. All it took was a wrist of elite hacking skills made for men, but strong enough for hedgehogs, all packed in a handy communicator.

"You have disgraced my people. We shall engage in the super power of teamwork for just 14.99 today!" shouted the radio.

"These people are allowed to carry guns…" Shadow whispered to himself before realising the bored officer above was just flicking channels for something interesting. The autopilot handled the actual flight.

A click of the options menu followed by advanced settings and two confirmation screens helped him auto-tune to the helicopter's broadcasts. Shadow felt sorry for the monotonous altitude readings: no one else cared about them. Honestly, he wasn't even sure it announced altitude data. The mobile masts erected on nearby buildings caused a lot of static.

Shadow subtly tapped the wrist device onto the landing gear. It helped.

"Opening bomb hatch," the radio announced.

His eyebrows aligned with his ears at the sight of a hole gaping above his head. These eyebrows bounced down instantly when a throwaway cup of coffee splashed onto his snout. Some of the hot liquid dripped into his ears.

"Should have taken the Egg Carrier option," an imaginary voice rang again.

Bewildered, angry and out of earpicks, Shadow leaped towards the hatch to tear the pilot four new ones, but only got a quill chopped off in the process as the lid closed too fast for him. The amount of blood loss his uncuddled ego suffered in the last five hours was enough to flood Station Square.

"I am the Ultimate Life Form. I am the Ultimate Life Form."

Shadow wasn't sure if a genetically modified hedgehog's quills grew back. He wasn't intending to risk it, so he started pulling the choppings out of the seal. He had a good medical plan. Maybe the kind hospital folk would glue it back…or burn in a crater for providing shoddy healthcare.

More radio chatter interrupted his thoughts. "This is Harold of first squad. Next squad, ready for pickup in two on Square Arms' rooftop. Use the stairs this time. I repeat! Use. The. Stairs."

The on-board announcement cheered him up a little. At least he'd be back at the hotel in no time. He might even be nice enough to pencil in an immediate appointment for Harold to become a full body donor. Being pushed off the building was a minor annoyance. Coffee in the face was personal. Touching the quills is sacrilege. No one escapes the wrath of the righteous.

Revenge got a second-rate role when the helicopter coughed awkwardly, making Shadow hold tight while his life still had achievements to unlock.

"Take five, squad. Turning to the pump for refuel and espresso."

The Egg Carrier option spelled salvation for Shadow, but he was fresh out of. Sure, he could patiently go along with Harold's whims and grab a Swiss roll at the petrol station, having not eaten for a while. Some hedgehogs would have been happy with delays. Shadow was neither of those hedgehogs.

He threw the dreaded lock of rescued quills at the helicopter's tail rotor, delaying a change of course. The minute gain helped him reach the edge of the hotel, just fifty metres below. Shadow jumped head-first despite it being too high for comfort.

Diving down, he swore, and kept swearing till he crash-landed into the illuminated Q of the "Station Square Arms Hotel" sign. That's when sparkly light effects electrocuted him. The quills coiled with the current, which helped soften the fall for his coffee-stained snout to just a few physical contortions.

As he extended an arm to put out a small fire on his ear, the communicator sounded: "Smooth landing, boys. Now, more espresso."


	5. Boss Level

**Chapter 5: Boss Level**

Shadow smashed his wrist communicator against the concrete. At least, he tried to. Glass shards born from the crash took most of the damage to his hand.

"I am the Ultimate Life…" He stumbled sourly, just staring at the starless sky. "Why me?"

In a bubble of armoured self-pity, Shadow wished for a peaceful snuggle, Chaos cola, and the key to Station Square's self-destruction switch. The city was like a coffee stain on his perfect face. And yet, only Black Doom had wanted to wash it clean. Good luck bringing him to finish the job after the brutal beating he gave the alien. Aliens, the ethical fodder.

He'd have to hold thoughts of mad fun for another night. A defenceless, sleeping female hedgehog awaited him a few floors below. Not very exciting for a secret agent with more than fifty years of experience, but she was essential to double-crossing Eggman.

Frail composure, if not fatigue-induced peace of mind, helped him stand up to scan the area. Most of the cops have left the building, so it was safe to make a straight jump to Amy's room. Shadow decided to descend one floor at a time. He knelt down, pushing his feet over the edge, and let go with the first windowsill in sight.

One click of the soap shoes, so he would…

A forceful click of the shoes and some banging together for good measure, yes.

To his horror, Shadow's rocket boost fizzled out of order. The hedgehog tumbled past the seventh floor, only breaking the ledge with his nose, and slipped off the sixth with bits of tin and tile in his hands. Thankfully, level five brought the disaster trip to a halt: someone left the window wide open. The horizontal frame held out his weight right in the middle.

"Have mercy, Maria!" he cried in a high-pitched voice before blacking out for a spell.

When Shadow regained consciousness, he couldn't feel anything below his belly button. The legs still functioned, and he'd get plenty of opportunity to check out the rest after the mission.

Carefully, the spy crawled to the joint for a light dismount onto the sill plate below. He sighed at the feel of firm material under his feet. Amy's room could require some work to enter, so he crouched down to slide off, holding onto the ledge above his head while the rest dangled by the target floor.

He was so close he could taste the windowsill. Or was it tobacco? Shadow sniffed the air in hope the nasal injury was pulling his leg, but no, there definitely was a smoker on the fifth floor. They had opened the window to fool the smoke detector and were now towering above him.

Shadow gulped as the smell intensified. Deep breaths, Shadow, relax. No, don't breathe in! Just relax. Relax without breathing. Wait, that's impossible.

The thought soup stirred by noxious fumes made it difficult to concentrate on the mission. When tiny ash flakes floated by, the hedgehog knew what was coming up. Gerald would shake it down once the bud carried too much ash to its weight. That time, Shadow would get to roleplay as the carpet. He didn't want to roleplay as a carpet. He hated roleplaying. And he hated carpets. That's why they had no carpets back at the space station.

A large puff of smoke rose above, followed by the faintest thud left by the powder bun. It rolled silently down the edge till Shadow could see it. The evil residue lingered on the sill as if mocking the hedgehog. In fact, it looked like the roll stopped dead in its tracks, and the puffs were over.

The smoker flicked the bud out the window and reached out to close it. Shadow preyed to the next best deity, Maria, so the person wouldn't see him. They didn't. The window just sealed shut, followed by awkward silence.

Shadow chuckled to himself, not noticing that the gust caused by the closing pane gave the hot ash the boost needed for a date with his face. The notice came loud and clear with a stinging sensation in his ear. He couldn't afford two fires in one day. Shadow panicked, hitting his head with one hand in hope of getting the ash off, but it only made things worse.

Sizzling noises drove him to the brink. Shadow scratched the precious ear with one hand while brushing the rest off his fur with the other. Some of the looser ash floated off. The ear canal just wouldn't stop tormenting him. Earwax joined forces with the invader, making it impossible to clean via regular means.

There was one thing to do. Shadow clenched a fist, huffed loudly and uttered the words: "Chaos Spear."

10,000 volts of ear-cleaning goodness evaporated the gunk. Shadow trembled during the process like a hedgehog normally would, but catharsis overwhelmed discomfort. The pain, the smoke, all uncomfortable sensations subsided. They gave rise to something new, fresh and clean.

Five storeys of sinking feelings.

Shadow flailed his hands to latch onto the wall, which rejected his pitiful attempts. It was stupid of him to forget, and Shadow kicked himself mentally just like the last time he forgot, which resulted in half of the moon exploding.

Flashbacks eclipsed the painful drop. He must have made a little crater, judging by how deafening the thud was. The hedgehog sensed no discomfort, only darkness. He loved darkness. It reminded him of the early years spent in a cosy stasis capsule, a simple life devoid of having to conquer the world on request…no insatiable urges of breaking the speed limit. Night, night, Shads. People will read about me in blogs tomorrow.

Seconds passed without making a difference. He wiggled his toes impatiently. Was he done for by now? Impatient to see it happen, Shadow opened an eye. A frightening abyss glared back at him. It had a precise recollection of his sins: the flag, the leash, broken bottles and helicopter noise. In fact, it looked awfully like the spot next to the hotel's entrance seen from a suicidal hedgehog's perspective.

The perspective was being pulled away from him, though. Shadow found himself hoisted by a mysterious captor into a room on the fourth floor. Still in a slight daze and facing the wall, he couldn't see the one responsible.

Shadow turned around hesitantly. Amy was standing behind him.

"Act three," he whispered.

Amy said nothing. At first, it worried Shadow as he skipped static boss camp, but the moonshine in her pupils erased signs of inconvenience: she was sleepwalking. To be precise, she was standing in her sleep.

He walked up to the hedgehog and waved a hand in front of her blank face. "Long time," he snickered, still waving, "no see. No see at all… Perfect. The Chaos energy must have fried your brain."

Shadow sneaked past her, feeling good about himself. He scanned the room for clues. The container was definitely there, but its aura spilled all over the place, so he couldn't pinpoint its location just yet.

"If I were a mixture of an imbecile and a hormonal fangirl, whom I never was and never will be, where would I hide a highly explosive toxic substance…" Shadow pondered. "Gee, it's a lot harder than I thought. Maybe, it'll help when I look without thinking. Yes, an excellent idea! Brain, off."

He fell to the floor in an instant, seething with embarrassment. Shadow sighed to calm down. "You've got this, Shadow. ULF, ULF, go."

Since not thinking failed miserably, he picked a more thorough approach. All of Amy's clothes were neatly folded on a bedside cabinet and nothing in the wardrobe looked a bit suspicious. Shadow found her purse under the bed. A strong sense of Chaos was coming from it. At least, Shadow hoped it was Chaos. He didn't have much experience with handbags before. After choking on the contents of Maria's purse when he was little, Shadow had a fear of rummaging in other people's stuff installed.

As he dug in the seemingly endless sea of accessories, flashbacks with Gerald's lectures bombarded him. The Chaos essence wasn't there, but he found something sticky and a Sonic radar. Shadow turned it on. There was a hedgehog-shaped blip on the screen.

"Clever girl," he noted while downloading the data.

The tracker wasn't the source of his compliment, though. Amy's done a good job hiding the objective from him. Perhaps, she really was as crafty as Eggman believed her to be.

Looking back at the idle pink statue, he quickly rejected the thought. There was one more spot secret enough that he could check, the dreaded Piko-Piko hammer. Shadow's been hit by it more times than he could remember. Poor Sonic…

A heavy beast, Shadow thought as he lifted it. Still, it wasn't as heavy as a hammer of this size should feel. In fact, the head felt hollow. Upon closer inspection, he noticed a turnable cap on the less battered side. A few twists of the wrist and Shadow was free to peer inside.

There were a number of items in the hammer. Most of them were probably there to add punch to the blow. He could see pictures of himself and a few other hedgehogs with a red stamp: "Not Sonic. Forever ignore."

Someone scrawled "Big was here." on the side of the casing. Shadow didn't know anyone named Big, and if he did, he'd shoot them for having a stupid name. Looking farther still, Shadow managed to get half-inside the hammer. A frightening thought dawned upon him: the girl could stuff Sonic in there!

He leaped out of the hammer, breathing heavily. The essence wasn't there. He'd just search for it somewhere else. Plenty of time as long as the pink monster was deaf to the world.

Slightly relieved, he checked back at where the unconscious girl used to stand. Wait, she wasn't there anymore…

"Uh, Amy?"

Should have taken the Egg Carrier option.


End file.
